Q: Hey, so I recently wrote to you about this guy who was a family friend and we slept together. It was really awkward because he didn’t talk to me afterwards. His ex found out about us and gave him a hard time. Well, we’ve slept with each other 3 times more and just haven’t spoken after every occasion. I went on a trip away with him and a group of our friends recently and the same thing happened-we hardly talked, but then slept with each other. We haven’t spoke again since, then I found out he’s back with his girlfriend. What do I do? Feel so used.
A: It sounds like you’re addicted to the physical moments you share with him and it’s become a cycle. A cycle that leaves you feeling alone and hurt. Since you’re not dating him or even really speaking to him, there is no real emotional connection between the two of you. So, why do you keep going back to him?
It’s not a simple answer. Lots of women fall hard for their “friend with benefits”. Maybe they mistakenly equate sex with love. Maybe they keep hoping that the relationship will evolve past sex to start dating. Not to mention, the biological craziness happening. Being intimate releases the “cuddle hormone” oxytocin, a chemical which gives us a false sense of closeness and bonding. Guys get hit with a pleasure chemical, dopamine. That’s why it’s usually easier for them to not get attached after sex.
Even though your heart might be saying one thing, you’ve got to listen to your brain. I know you wish you had something more with him, but he’s been very clear with his words and actions that he is not interested in a real relationship with you, only sex. You feel used because that’s exactly what’s going on. Doesn’t sound like such a dreamboat, anymore, does he? You deserve a guy who is interested in getting to know the real you-your interests, your flaws, your humor, your fears, your dreams. Most importantly, YOU have to believe that you deserve this. Sounds like you’ve got some work to do building up your self esteem. We teach others how to treat us by what we allow, what we stop, what we reinforce. Only you have the power to stop allowing this guy to continue to hurt you.
Girl, the bottom line is you need to run from this guy and never look back. The sooner you do that, the happier you will be. I know that sounds harsh, but what he’s doing to you is even harsher. You have already devoted a lot of your time, emotions and energy to this guy. And it’s left you in a dark place. I call this an energy trap and I wrote a post about how to release yourself from them. The first step is to be self aware and honest with yourself that you’re in a toxic situation. It sounds like you are getting there. Realize that biological chemicals, like oxytocin and dopamine are playing a huge role in your feelings and behavior. Don’t mistake this infatuation that these chemical can cause for love. Next, take back your power. Start devoting all that energy to something or someone who will appreciate it. I promise it gets easier, but you have to take that first step in walking away. xoxo