Q: I’m in need of some serious help with my jealousy!! I get so possessive over my boyfriend and am constantly stalking his social media accounts. I can’t stand it when girls comment or like his photos..or if he likes their pics. He has a job in the bar industry, so he’s constantly around gorgeous women, so that doesn’t help. My last boyfriend cheated on me, so I know where these issues stem from, but I can’t help myself. It drives me crazy and I desperately need to change before I sabotage my relationship. I don’t want to lose him, he’s amazing. This is the best guy I’ve ever been with and could see us having a future together. My friends tell me to let things go, but I can’t. I make a big deal about them and we end up fighting. Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels this way.
A: You’re definitely not the only girl who has seen green over their man! But there is a problem when you feel like you can’t control your emotions, but rather they are running you. It’s great you’re self aware and realize the past cheating had a huge impact on you. It’s such a big blow to the ego when you’ve been cheated on. You feel betrayed and it’s easy to internalize feelings, such as I’m not good enough. You may not have even realized it, but it’s coming out now with your jealous behavior. That past cheating had absolutely nothing to do with you. Your ex was the one with the issues. Counseling and self help books can be a life changer! You may have high self esteem in all areas of my life, but low self esteem in relationships. So, start working on your personal development and healing. And it’s time to start changing the record playing in your head. When one toxic thought enters your mind about him being unfaithful, stop yourself, take a breathe and remind yourself he loves you. Maybe have an affirmation you repeat, like “all is well, I am loved”. Oh and step away from your phone. Why don’t you take a break from monitoring his social media accounts? You said yourself that he’s amazing and you seem very happy in your relationship. Trust him until he gives you a reason not to. Understand that it’s going to take some time to really feel secure and build trust. Start with an open convo with him. Let him know this is something you two will have to work through together and he will have to be patient with you. Maybe there are some changes he is willing to make to help you feel more secure? You will have to make some changes, too. Start by realizing that if someone is going to cheat, it’s out of your control. Work on yourself so you can exude confidence, which is the most attractive quality.